Kamelle Mills, a renowned fitness instructor, performer, and confidence coach, joins Cecily for an inspiring and deeply personal conversation about resilience, faith, and overcoming life's darkest moments.
In this episode, Kamelle recounts pivotal moments that sparked his transformation from battling alcoholism, eating disorders, and societal expectations to living a vibrant and authentic life he calls 'Living in Fuchsia.'
Along the way, we hear about his early life in Huntsville, Texas, the profound impact of his mother’s affirmations, and the pressures of performing multiple roles, including playing football and hiding his LGBTQ identity.
Whether you're on your own clear life journey or seeking inspiration to make positive changes, Kamelle's story is a testament to the power of resilience, self-love, and the endless possibilities that come with living an undimmed life.
Connect with Kamelle
Please remember to rate, subscribe, review, and share the Undimmed podcast to help this content reach more humans in need of support or inspiration. You can also follow Cecily's @clearlifejourney on Instagram, subscribe to her Substack, or learn more via her website.
Credits:
Host: Cecily Mak
Producer: Joanne Elgart Jennings
Composer / Sound Alchemist: Laura Inserra
Audio Engineer: Mateo Schimpf
Key Points
00:00 Introduction: Defying the Odds
00:31 Meet Kamelle Mills: A Journey of Transformation
01:24 Living in Fuchsia: Embracing Joy
02:10 Early Life: Discovering Performance
07:09 Football and Identity Struggles
09:24 College Years: Alcohol and Self-Worth
12:48 Battling Eating Disorders and Addiction
18:32 The Turning Point: Rediscovering Magic
23:29 The Miracle of Breathing
24:02 Acknowledging the Struggle
25:50 Faith and Possession
26:21 Sacred Voice and Sobriety
30:09 Living in Fuchsia
35:02 Messages to the Past Self
37:47 Embracing Sobriety
41:12 Living Out Loud
43:47 Finding Kamelle Mills
45:07 Final Reflections
Transcript
This transcript is autogenerated.
Kamelle Mills 00:00
But statistics say that I'm supposed to be in jail are or did or what have you, but I think not just as a black man but as a human having the mom that I have. It changed the trajectory of my life, her being able to just see and speak affirmations into me she programmed in my mind. I think that's the very thing that saved me from literally dying from alcoholism is that those affirmations were threaded into my subconscious like you can survive. You can do this. You're meant for more.
Cecily Mak 00:36
You're listening to understand a podcast about living a clear life without dimmers. I'm Cecily Mac. In today's episode, you'll meet Carmel mills. He takes us on his deeply personal and at times dark journey to his own version of the clear life. We hear his story starting in a trailer park in Huntsville, Texas. Through his first sip of alcohol and college, to a seemingly fabulous life, though he often felt as if he was literally drowning throughout. After choosing to embrace light over darkness and faces demons head on. Today, he is a wildly popular fitness instructor, performer and confidence coach spreading a type of vibrant joy she calls Living infusio.
Kamelle Mills 01:28
And with this company, I started a campaign called Living in fuchsia, I went through hell and after going through a hell, I came out with rose colored glasses. And that's where the living in fuchsia is all about. I'm showing people who are in wellness how not to harp on the bullshit of life. But to see life through the lens of inspiration, calling my lens to you show the fullest manifestation of all this magic.
Cecily Mak 01:59
Well, welcome come out. It is such a privilege and joy to have this time with you. Thank you for joining us.
Kamelle Mills 02:07
Oh my goodness, first of all, thank you so much for having me, but also creating the space that's so necessary. And I feel, I mean vital for where we're going as as a collective as, as people, especially people trying to grow and change and evolve. So thank you so much.
Cecily Mak 02:25
How old were you when you realized that you were a performer? And what was that? Feeling that thread that carried you through to today?
Kamelle Mills 02:35
So I come from what people might consider poverty. I am only a few generations away from slavery, quite literally. And geographically my, my great, great grandma lived probably in the same house that was for indentured servants and slaves in the backwoods of Texas. And I say that to say I think my mom always could see that there was quote, unquote, a performer in me, and that I was somehow different than most people different in a lot of ways, including being gay in the south, but also that I had a natural confidence but I could tell myself that I was very different than a lot of people around me. And to this day, I questioned whether I elected to step onto certain stages or if it was a defense mechanism to be my costume, my saving grace, so be want to make fun of me if I can attain or I can inspire. But I remember specifically when I was the first time I got in front of our family in the trailer park in Huntsville, Texas. We were watching what's love got to do with it. And Angela Bassett was to jive and she was every now and then. And so I think the VHS skipped and the tape stop playing. And I got in front of TV and I did what Angela was doing. And I remember how it made. My cousin's my Auntie's my mom and then feel the thing that I was doing was providing some type of service of inspiration of entertainment. And to this day, I truly remember also, it not being about me, but about their their inspiration and their entertainment, if that makes sense.
Cecily Mak 04:14
Wow. So so I have to ask, was this like a way for you as a child to feel real like to feel more you? Or was it a way to kind of put on something and have an early version of an escape from the real as
Kamelle Mills 04:31
I speak about this images are passing before me, but they say that your imagination is limited to your experience. And my mom had ways of putting me in places where I couldn't expand my imagination books. She would take the trolley to the library. And I remembered like all these stories, and I think I drew from that. I kind of imagination, a bit ability to not just be myself. And yeah, I think it was a bit of not necessarily escapism, but a way to cope. myself in something that was not my reality in order to, to survive really?
Cecily Mak 05:06
Yeah. And it's amazing. I just want to acknowledge your mom for being that attuned to you as a kid, and not trying to control or shove that down, but rather bring you into environments that would allow you to explore it.
Kamelle Mills 05:25
Honestly, to this day, and I wish I could explain this to people about the kind of guidance I had as a black man in America having my mom, I mean, obviously, tell me funny things in her Southern way, like, you way better than anybody, but nobody better than you know, like, can you be humble, but also letting me know that awesome, there ain't no competition. So don't even look at anybody else. Focus on, you know, being the best version of yourself. I was very introverted as a child, all those books and movies and things that I saw, I was acting them out by myself. My cousins were like, What is wrong with this kid? But I remember my mom, like, really, she didn't understand some of them. She was really pushing it because she had hopes of me being something that she had never seen before. Yeah.
Cecily Mak 06:08
And it makes so much sense, given where you came from, that she had this courage and imagination and in love for you that let you grow that way.
Kamelle Mills 06:17
Yeah, she I, I did get into this talent show. And I think is the first time I learned how to stand up for myself. And I'm, I'm not sure why I didn't get in. But they didn't allow me to play. There weren't a lot of black kids in the show. But a mom went to the school, she was like, he needs another chance. And from her doing that, seeing the example of that, along with the affirmations gave me sort of subconsciously and consciously tools to to be a fighter. That's
Cecily Mak 06:47
beautiful. And what a blessing really, because our moms can instill all kinds of things in us. And sometimes they're super challenging, and sometimes they are enormous gifts and that you honor her. Not only that, kid memories, but it sounds like in how you live your life today. That's, that's amazing. I want to kind of follow the thread a little bit. So you were a kid who had a lot of obviously, you know, loving encouragement and support and exploring your performer side. And then you had a football chapter and you had a challenging high school and college experience. Tell us about that part of your journey.
Kamelle Mills 07:30
I think football is so vital in my story. I'm going to I want to send you a picture of being football because you can like who is that? Fantastic. I know a lot of people in my life talk about you know, careers they have to follow because their parents that if your dad was a banker, then you ended up banking. I feel like that almost for football because my mom if if the fates had changed one thing or two, my mom would be a lead football coach in the NFL and she couldn't be she definitely is so grounded and calm. But when it comes to football, my mom turns into like, an animal she's screaming. To this day, I get scared. If I go home, and there's a football game on my mom's side of the room, I'm still not used to her reaction. I say that to say. All I've ever known is please my mom, like quite literally when I was little, because I've seen how many sacrifices she made not just for me and my siblings and my father. But for our entire family. I always felt I needed to to make sure I never disappointed. My mother. We all have that. Yeah, we don't want to support her family. She loved football, I have to play football. I have to be good at football. It was probably the first arena where I learned how to perform. I played a better character on the football field than I probably did on stage because I had to pretend to be a straight
Cecily Mak 08:53
Wow man fell unexpected identity. Oh
Kamelle Mills 08:57
my goodness, pain. I remember having to feel feel the yucky, disassociated feeling of lying about who I was. So curls were cute and football and I love this. I love that or I can't wait to kick so and so's but but I'm like I want to be inside. on AOL messenger. Go to rehearsal. I want to take dance class and I want to learn an instrument. But yeah, football definitely was when I learned one had a lot of high to lie about my identity to my family, then to the people that I had to see all the time those boys
Cecily Mak 09:30
was that around the time when you started experimenting with alcohol.
Kamelle Mills 09:35
You know what? That's so funny. I did not touch alcohol in high school. I think the real shift if I'm honest. Yeah, it probably was in college. And I remember it was a freshman freshman year when I first had alcohol. It was the first time I didn't have to strategize my joy that joy could be instantaneous Instagram vacation, I could drink something and all that stuff I had to do and like Checking in with myself. No, I could drink and I could be I could feel normal. And I was thrust into a lot of environments, including football. Then I went to SMU, I went from a trailer park to Southern Methodist University and one quick Google search about SMU will tell you that most people do not come definitely from no trailer park to go to school there. It's a very affluent University. And I remember there must have been a sense of unworthiness, but I didn't know how to name it. Or
Cecily Mak 10:30
othered.
Kamelle Mills 10:31
Did you feel othered? othered? Yeah. And I remember when alcohol came around in college, no, those people were coming up to me saying, Where did you come from? Where did like, join our fraternity, but only I could associate with my worthiness then was like, oh, it's because I was drinking or that I was more funny when I was drinking or Sure, yeah, that I've always felt this southern, I'm so grateful to be sober about is that it's okay to be an ambivert. Like, there's a lot of my past, I was introverted, and then obviously, theater was my chance to be extroverted. And then the lines begin to cross I was becoming, quote, unquote, popular. And I didn't know how to I didn't know how to maintain that
Cecily Mak 11:21
this is such a common thing in people's clear life journeys. And I have an endless fascination with this. There's something about the experience of drinking alcohol, that after even just wondering, especially early on, when we're just newbies at the game, it it removes our awareness of what other people think of us. And for somebody who's been in a complicated family system, or in some type of a performance role, or having to show up in a certain way, athletically or even, professionally, socially, whatever it might be, to have the relief. Thinking about what the other person or people are perceiving of us, by nature, ages 15 to 25 are frickin awkward. We're trying to figure it out. And we are wired as human beings to try to fit in socially and fit into the clan and not get, you know, not get booted from the social tribe that we're trying to fit into. You know, we go from like, occasional use whatever, we're fine or at the party, we think we fit in better because we've had a drink or two, maybe we do. Um, there, there was more to your story hear you. You stayed on the path of drinking for a while.
Kamelle Mills 12:48
Yeah, and I have to say this. I have had a history with eating disorders. So obviously, on a psychological level, you have that voice going, but also neurologically, they call it nervosa, like you're, there's a extreme violent shift that happens to you, when you when you live with that. And I'm not a scientist or a doctor, but I feel like the innocence of seeing clear was robbed of me when I started. When I became bulimic. I started that in high school. And before my senior year, and okay, now I'm in a dorm with somebody else, I can't get away with this. This demon means he can't live with someone else. And then, no, I can't help hide, or helped you link up with people that were living that same life. And so you had a team to help you with that. And I think that by team I mean, like, I met other people that were believing that that gave you advice about how to live like that. And the nervousness of that alcohol help with that. Um, I often question what the original what the original disease is? Yeah, you know, I think my nerves was so shot, like shaking even when I got on stage like I would shake just because I believe there was neurological damage done with bulimia and then I had ADHD while I've been 18 I started out around like, oh, I need more Adderall that assists that will push my appetite down. And but then three
Cecily Mak 14:37
birds with one stone
Kamelle Mills 14:41
and then so now we got alcohol that can keep those nerves down that because it's like wiry and I, that version of me that was so easy to access, whether I was drinking or not, came harder to access with the Adderall. So then the drinking kind of balanced it out. So now, I think that that delicate balance brought us to what Where I, where I think I needed alcohol to come down. Yeah.
Cecily Mak 15:07
And you know, I'll share, I want to, first of all, acknowledge you for being honest part of your path because eating disorders are really common underlying concern for people who have habitual or addictive dimming behaviors. I've actually met with and spoken with a number of people who, after a year or two of living alcohol free, they realize what their core issue is actually more of a control issue. And they had an inner, inner kind of inner I don't want to call it an affliction, but an inner tendency to drive themselves to the edge and get a thrill out of being on that edge a little bit like what you're describing of how precarious It was to be trying to conceal bulimia. And then the alcohol sort of a way to self medicate some of the enduring agita intention that comes from red lining with an eating disorder so frequently. And so part of the beauty of a of a journey of clear life, it's not about quitting alcohol. This is not about quitting alcohol. Anyone listening to this right now, think that this whole journey into clarity and finding your your true calling and purpose and service and learning how to spend your time and all this Majesty, this? Alcohol is just one puzzle piece. It's usually one of the last symptoms or signs say that
Kamelle Mills 16:47
again, my goodness, a man girl. And so
Cecily Mak 16:50
when we start looking at drinking that way, and you're already doing this and reflecting, you know, you're a year in, you're reflecting on how alcohol kind of came as part of a storm, right? It wasn't this one thing is a piece of a complicated puzzle of circumstances. That says, that's a clue that there's underlying stuff, we're actually trying to find relief. It's, it's an upsell for our suffering in some way. And if we peel back the salve, and we can examine with compassion, the underlying suffering, that's when the healing happens. That's when you like, really get to the magic. And I've heard you talk about how you thought the magic in life was lost. Like you lost touch with magic. You exude magic now.
Kamelle Mills 17:49
Like, I receive it,
Cecily Mak 17:50
I want to hear about, about that rediscovery, that acquaintance. And maybe to get there. We don't need to hear all of the, you know, everybody's journey has its own unique path. But there must have been a moment sometime in the last few years. Maybe one like some of our listeners are having now in life, where Something didn't feel right. selling something felt like it needed to change these, these are the gems of these stories, I would love for you to share with us, like, what was your own experience of recognizing something needed to shift that brought you back to this magic.
Kamelle Mills 18:32
So I was putting on the costume by drinking and Adderall and bulimia, whatever it was to create a costume that was this costume says I am worthy, like, I will get the job, I will have the relationship and then all these things. The costume kept unraveling, like the costume kept falling apart. And I tried to put on more and more and more and before I knew it, I was drowning in pieces of accessories and just ideas that weren't necessarily true to who I was and the more quote unquote successful I became, the more things worked for me, the more things weren't working for me. i Hmm. So I stopped kept drinking more I was honestly I didn't know what a boundary was for myself. I didn't know how to do it from my, from my job forming relationships for my family. I didn't know how to do that. I still I'm praying for answers around that. And with that. I was become I was someone else. I was still myself but I was a representative of myself. And when it was time to sit back and just be with myself, there was no magic and my whole life. I felt like I was riding a rainbow. I was always, always no matter my circumstances. I was always happy and my life is like a Disney movie but even when everything around me with the costume on with the set and the backdrop Have a Disney life. I wasn't feeling I felt exhausted. Yeah. That's the manifestation on the physical level. Then I literally started to expand my stomach look pregnant. Like I was throwing up blood I was I did not know how to stop working or teaching or showing up because we don't do that. I was always there before everyone else before I could be there for myself. And this is a this is a selfish, I would say this is a selfish disease. The reason I was there for everyone else is so that I felt that I wasn't abandoned or left behind. Or I could still be loved. But I never felt love because they were loving the character I I had to be every day.
Cecily Mak 20:57
Yeah. That's a very hard place to be in. And everybody around you probably thought you're doing great.
Kamelle Mills 21:04
Oh, yeah, nobody. No one that I can think of. And they don't mean any harm. I want to say that no one wanted me to stop drinking. No one thought I had a real problem. Yeah.
Cecily Mak 21:19
This is such a common experience, mill. That we get to this place in life where we are spinning all of the plates. And everything looks great. And we're showing up and we're fun. And we're managing to get through the days, whatever they are career, family, friends, whatever it is. Magnificent creator, author, performer, artist. And something inside is saying enough, like I'm gonna break and it sounds like your body started speaking up for you. Because your brain and your heart were on autopilot.
Kamelle Mills 22:00
Yeah
Cecily Mak 22:08
so feeling right now, so beautiful.
Kamelle Mills 22:11
It just always felt like like deep sea diving. And always promising myself like every drink of alcohol was like a drink of more, like submerge. It's like every sip was created outside of me. And I just have to go deeper and deeper. And at some point, it felt like you were so I was so deep that I thought I'd never breathe again. And to draw a sober breath, like every day is I wish people understood like, it's like being underwater, drowning. Every day and people like, as sorry. Like, you don't think about drinking water, like to you ever think about drowning. Like, you don't want to drown. So like, the science of whatever happens down in the depths of the ocean. The deeper you go, the less obviously the less light it is. But the chances of you getting back to the surface. Because increasingly less, but I just didn't think that I would have the opportunity ability to reach the surface again. So every breath you get to draw as well. I'm sure you know, I know that. You know, it's like, oh my god, I can the ability to breathe.
Cecily Mak 23:39
And it's its own miracle. It's its own gifts. I mean, we are here right now, you me and make me cry to you, you and me are here having this conversation because we got out of the depths and people around us didn't even know we were we were really suffocating. And I just want to acknowledge you for doing it. You like myself and many others I mean, surrounded by supportive people and circumstances of what was really a really a deadly habit. And it's beautiful that you're here.
Kamelle Mills 24:34
Thank you. It's beautiful that you're here for for reflection for articulation that you're here for. I have a some of this I haven't looked at since I've seen some of this I have not looked at until I saw. I'm spinning it right here right now. But other thing is is that only people that have lived this know how unwilling how imprisoned how you don't have any choice at some point. To this day. I'm very surprised at how we live here in San Francisco. You see addicts all the time. But I'm surprised at how little support that people that there is for people like us. Because no one, no one wants to be possessed by a demon. If I could describe my experience split last 10 years is that is when we're a possession. possession,
Cecily Mak 25:55
how did you wriggle out of that grip that's my here with you.
Kamelle Mills 26:11
I think there is a sacred part of us. We all make mistakes. I've made so many mistakes in sobriety and out of sobriety, like, but there's always a sacredness, a spirit that we all have. And if we're lucky enough, we will come across people and things or read a book or hear a podcast that will breathe life into that voice, no matter how subdued or that voice was underneath all that the crushing weight of the ocean of alcohol like that was underneath there. And at my worst, I can still hear like a muffled sound like, and again, this is why I believe I don't want to promote anything, religion, or whatever. But because of my mother's faith. And the type of faith that I believe in, here we go, just come with me that she heard from her great grandma. My mother had someone raise her name, Mama. She was her great, great, great grandma. And she was a house slave. So she had a little less trauma to deal with, because she was in the house. In my mom, she was the one out of the five siblings that, you know, went off and did this and did that. And so I think that faith that her grandma put in her she put in me in whatever capacity again, affirmations and prayer, and I don't care what you call it, but there's a program that you can put in you can develop or you can be installed with. Some of us have to develop it, some of us get it pre installed. But I wiggled my way out because I saw what religion faith did to my mom, I still don't completely understand Christianity. But like, my mom will call a power outside of herself, Jesus Christ, she will call on something outside of her to help her and I start calling on power any and every god that will listen is 10 minutes to go on stage is five minutes to go on to to teach and I'm throwing up blood or can't hold my bowels because I'm so sick. But I call this power to help me just make it through. Now I had to start answering or asking the question, Canvas same power that got me because by all accounts, I was working when I was supposed to be working. By all accounts I was showing up when I couldn't physically show up. And if that power could somehow activate because it was only spirit it wasn't physical that got me up. I begged something outside of me please take this possession away from me. For me, I began my sober journey with AAA but even with AAA I went to many meetings and I was like this is not for me. I'm but one of my clients. He had this thing where I could tell he's been through hell and back. But it made him stronger versus made made him unkind are bitter.
Cecily Mak 29:46
You emanate that come out. I gotta tell you. You're doing it right now. Actually. One thing one thing that I heard you say which is so beautiful is This notion of living in fuchsia Hallas with that, and I, and it's majestic, because when I think about you actually think of like, I think of pleasing color and light, I think of our embodiment, I think of courage and fearlessness. And I've only known you on this side of your path. And I imagine that that same fire was with you, even in the depths of the darkest heaviest ocean. But, you know, being clear or in recovery, or sober, whatever language we need to use, yeah, it's freakin heavy. Sometimes, you got to look at the stuff that you didn't want to look at all those years, you were just born a little sauce on top to make it taste better. But there's a lot of frickin amazing beauty to. And that's what I see and feel. And you and I'm really grateful that you've had the courage. And you felt comfortable enough to share some of the shadows of your past to this moment. But I also, I also just want to honor your light.
Kamelle Mills 31:19
Thank you. Thank you so much. For that little voice that I heard when I was when I didn't want to live anymore. It was a voice saying, Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It was like, the spirit of of the most highest power, whatever goodness is, was in me saying, Come on, what are you going to do? And I swear about three months into completely stepping away from alcohol. I was like, I'm sure you've may have thought the same thing when you thought like, my life is gonna suck now. Or things are gonna be so different and weird, I'm gonna be handicap, what is quite the opposite. Like you almost have it if someone is listening to this, if you hear anything at all, then not only can you save yours, yourself, you can initiate a perspective on life that you could not even imagine seeing through, let's say, living in fuchsia, it's almost like I was seeing life through rose colored glasses. I had no idea about the peak cloud that people talk about when they talk about sobriety, when I said I'm living in fuchsia. But everything literally everything had not a silver lining had a fuchsia lining, it was lined in something so special, and the want to live is born out of the excitement that you were down billions of miles under the pressure of, of hypothetical, blind shortname. And that you can, that, that you you get to experience life again and get to see life, you get to always say that I want my life back, I wanted my life back. And when I started this whole campaign living in fuchsia, I was able to do it in Mexico with a couple spin studios and things like that way when we're pink. But this was almost like a, a delusional thing for myself, like I'm living if you shave, like I'm doing it online, I don't care who is involved. Like, I want to just scream out loud. I'm living and living color in a beautiful pink right color.
Cecily Mak 33:49
And I thought I was gonna be named. That's amazing. That's amazing. And what a gift that you had this kind of inner, inner, wordless, shapeless guidance. If you could go back back to those really tough days, or those kind of in between days, you know, let's also just call it out like, yeah, it's dark. And it's hard when you're using a lot, but it's also kind of functional and day to day, you just kind of make it happen. So it's only on this side, we look back and realize how messed up it was. And it were a little bit like, well, this is sort of everyone else is in it too. So what's the big deal. You can be really good at surrounding ourselves with other people who are in the same ocean with us. And we all look around each other like, we're fine, right? You're fine. I'm fine. We're good. What would you what would you say to that? You? If you could just rewind the tape, call it four or five, six years, and you could just give yourself a message. What? What are you going to tell yourself?
Kamelle Mills 34:57
I'm gonna tell you two things. I'm gonna tell you what I want I initially wanted to say I'm gonna tell you what I would say now that I'm living like, like living life is that if I could go back, I will be like, Now What the hell are you doing? Because also what oh, what a waste of time, energy, resources money, like to just be numb, like it's a waste. I wish I could explain that to people who not. Because again, like you said, it's not necessarily about the alcohol, it's about whatever you're doing, to not be clear. And I wish I could tell people and not sound like a uncle or auntie like, Baby, you don't want to waste your time. But honey child, I am so grateful that at 36 that I woke up. But if I could go back, I would tell my youngest, like the same Sunday, the Sunday funday brunch thing, it's the same your memory to 20 times you do it that for that year's time, you wasted time. But that's what I selfishly would say, but in service of what's true and what you have to earn your bones and life to get. Because there is no this there is no you without what you had to go through. So I would just simply say, Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, find people. Stay close to people that make you want to hold on. This is what I tell my clients I'm like, after all this time, we riding bikes. ain't shit about this easy. But I've realized, it's just like, like, it is not this is a corny cliche, saying but it does not get easier, you become stronger. And just like your muscles breaking down, they have to literally break down. In order to grow and become bigger, they have to, there's no other way to get bigger muscles. You got to you got to break down.
Cecily Mak 37:19
Beautiful thing. I want to acknowledge you for being open about your experiences, I know you're you're a year and a month or so into your own clear path, you're navigating as you go and doing this real work and understanding your life story while also really generously weaving it into your teaching your performances, what you're doing online, you're offering a really fresh and important perspective for people who, who have that little, you know, feeling or that little voice inside, you were able to listen to it and get over to where you are today. And I see you using your platform very generously, to help people discover some of what your real time discovering right now every day without having figured it all out, by the way, which is awesome. They gotta be super quiet about the choice to live clearer in the beginning, because they're not sure if it's gonna last right. And you don't want to deal with all the shame and regret of moving backwards or whatnot. And then they realize how complex it is to live clear. And so they got to make sure they have all their talking points nailed and their resources figured out and how they're going to respond to certain uncomfortable questions. You're just courageously doing in real time. I believe it's the performer and you who's like we're going to just figure this out.
Kamelle Mills 38:49
I know to this day I Well, first of all, thank you so much. For that, I considered a very high compliment because I get nervous sometimes too. But I've lived my life out loud. My almost my entire life. And I think people have seen me when so many times. I'm like, you might not consider this a victory. This is my reality. I have so much that I'm trying to figure out and so many so many things that I'm trying to rectify in my life. You know, when you when you wake up, you're waking up to things that you were asleep to. So a lot of things that I am trying to figure it out. But I believe in I believe in sharing I also know that there are people like me that quite literally from my demographic but also spiritually that they didn't see I didn't see me like when I said hold on earlier. I'm hoping that I can provide some type of of some thing that somebody can hold on to because I think when I first sat down to talk to some One who helped me with a, they were like, promise me that you'll give this back to someone. And at the time I was so sick, I was like, what does that mean? As I became better, I was like, I have a duty, whether it's about alcohol or whatever it is, I have a duty to one, let people know that there are people that never would have known that I was sick. If I didn't come out online about it. There are people still to this day, I have friends that have admitted to me like, Oh, we're waiting for you to drink again. They're waiting for me.
Cecily Mak 40:29
We all do that they're there. It's part of the gym.
Kamelle Mills 40:39
Think the more I can stand in my truth, the more I can own my truth. And like I said, My mom always told me just tell the truth. Like,
Cecily Mak 40:46
yeah. And live it. I mean, you're living it. This is one of the things is that. I think, look, I'll be honest, even in my first six months and about drinking, I didn't know if I was going to keep at it. I started with a 30 day break. And then it was 60 days, 90 days. And here we are in year seven. Oops, like how that happened. But I remember in the first 6090 days, somebody telling me, you know, you might just want to surround yourself with a new life, you might be on the way to creating a new life that you don't want to escape from. Oh, no man, like, my friends are fun. We read fun, we party we go out, we dress up, we do themed stuff like we're fun. And alcohol is part of that fun. And, you know, after a while, it just became evident that the people who are not dimming are not boring, or not interesting. They're actually just frickin majestic expressions and a more full, complete, clear, embodied way maybe than they were before they paused. And I think that you're being a living example of just kicking us on this side of it. And celebrating and embracing and loving your life. That in and of itself is really inspiring to people. You don't have to lock yourself at home. And you know, live on documentaries and Diet Coke for the rest of your life. Out Loud, you're doing it better bigger.
Kamelle Mills 42:19
We know when I first became when I first started living clear, I want to be like, I want to reality show was people saying like, Oh my God, no, I want privacy. Still. But I do want people to see that. Not much has changed except the fact that I am healthy and can and can can draw sober breath in terms of my personality. If anything, my personality has blossomed. I feel more comfortable being myself but also, like, I went to porta Viar toe with 12 other sober boys. And everywhere we went, everyone was like, Whoa, like who are y'all? What are y'all want? Which is like live. And I never, never, ever, ever, ever that trip. That was in September. I never never so that was a good 910 months in 989 months and but I I wouldn't think I was gonna be having that much fun that early in sobriety to have like, no anxiety, walking up to boys or whatever. I wish people knew, even if they wouldn't take a year off or wanting to take them like you're not gonna suffer. You're gonna it's not
Cecily Mak 43:20
a loss. It's a game. It's a game. I still feel you. So how do people find you? How do how do they follow you on the on the digital world or in the analog world? How do we find you?
Kamelle Mills 43:33
I'm on Instagram at Kamil, km e l l e, Mills mi ll s XML meals on Instagram. That's usually why I try to share what I'm doing. I'm trying to pace myself and go in other ways. But right now I'm just sharing my inspiration there. I have a company called NBS in my class, I start class by saying there's no talking. There's no cell phones and there's no booze. Yeah. And but no bullshit. I mean, like, just have fun and be yourself and let it all hang out. And I used that phrase. He was saying it when they see me on the streets and they're like, No, that's what people know my name they call me the No bullshit guy. So I made it into a word from the acronym in BS a turn the ENB ye ES. So this is more positive because no and bullshit. My mom's a southern lady. She's tired because but it's like my production company in terms of like producing ideas and it's in its infancy, but I'm just putting myself out there and figuring out like, how do i Where can I literally push positive, inspiring content, beautiful.
Cecily Mak 44:43
Well, you were doing an awful lot and impacting a lot of lives in a really powerful way, even when you are under the depths of the ocean. So over here, I cannot wait to witness your ongoing Lying, unfolding journey without all of that extra kind of weight and murkiness and difficulty because you're clearly ablaze, my friend, and we're so lucky to have you here. Thank you so much for what you're doing.
Kamelle Mills 45:16
Thank you so much, Leslie,
Cecily Mak 45:18
thank you for the bow
Kamelle Mills 45:22
de bow.
Cecily Mak 45:28
Kemal Mills is a renowned coach, speaker and writer. He received his BFA in theatre with an emphasis in playwriting at Southern Methodist University in Texas. His theatrical resume spans musical theater, one man shows and a myriad of experimental performance art. In the fitness arena, Carmel is senior instructor at SoulCycle, a trainer at Barry's boot camp, a private coach, and a host of corporate community and charity wellness events. You've been listening to unfound I'm Cecily Mac. If you like what you heard, please take a moment to subscribe to the show on Apple Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And if you're inspired, we really appreciate a rating. It really helps others find us. Ondemand is part of a larger movement called Clear life. It's an exploration of what it means to live clear without DeMars that can interfere with our intentional and present way of being. It's really about tuning into our truest selves. To learn more about clear life, you can go to my website Cecily mac.com That's CECILYM a k are subscribed to my substack also under my name undimmed is produced by Joanne Jennings. Matteo Schimpf mixed and mastered the show. And the great Laura and Sarah composed and recorded our music. Thank you for joining us, be well
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